It's been a whole three months since I dusted off my power suit, (metaphorical, though I would love a little shoulder pad number), packed the baby's nursery bag and began my new routine of constant drop offs and pick ups. And I must admit, it feels much much longer. I'll admit at first I thought it was fantastic, I genuinely thought I'd cracked some sort of magical balance which meant I got enough 'me' time mixed in with plenty of 'mum'ing. However I now think that it was just the novelty of a change in routine after 12 months of somewhat isolation with only an adorable baby for company.
As days turned to weeks, the emotional reality of my decisions around working and parenting came to light. By 6pm on weekdays I felt physically sick by not being in her presence for so long. I'd text her grandma for updates and pictures and then be pushed to the brink of tears when I received them.
Being a working mother, feels like the ultimate dilemma, a real damned if you do, dammed if you don't. In our household, I'm the bread winner. That particular responsibility has fallen upon my shoulders and although I love my career, I'm acutely aware that I am sacrificing time and memories with my daughter to continue it. And on the other hand, the kid needs food, clothes and a house. That job pays for those. I'm securing her future by sacrificing time today. That sounds quite dramatic but it's how it feels some days. Like a lot of modern families, we need to have two incomes. We have a really lovely home and I would feel even more guilt reducing our income because of my wants.
The lack of control is also difficult to hand over to other people to care for her. I spent a whole year being her primary carer, I knew everything from what her current favourite snack is to when she last had a poop. Now I feel like a bystander sometimes, a passive participant rather than the main event. Eva recently learnt how to say 'duck' and I felt genuinely upset because I wasn't the one to teach it to her. It all feels quite small when it's written down but the emotional guilt has been overwhelming at times. We've had two illnesses in those three months and watching my baby be so unwell whilst having to leave her at home with her dad or grandma was particularly difficult.
However there are positives to the situation. Eva has developed and grown so much in the past three months. Her personality is shining through every day and she is learning lots at nursery. The social side of nursery is particularly good for her as she doesn't have much other contact with kids. And being back at work is good for me. I feel challenged everyday, I feel like I have a renewed sense of purpose in my life. My brain feels full of ideas and I feel motivated to develop my skills and qualifications once again.
The best bit however is how wonderful it is to spend time with Eva on the weekends. We make an effort to get ourselves out of the house and explore new places. The time may be reduced but the quality is just wonderful. I relish having the whole day with her and living in the moment and not worrying so much about little things which have caused me to stress out in the past. It's easy to compare your situation to others, everyone's looks a little bit better than yours sometimes. Whether your a full time mum, full time employee or a mix of the both we are all just muddling our way through, trying to find our way.
