Returning to work after having a baby

It's been a whole three months since I dusted off my power suit, (metaphorical, though I would love a little shoulder pad number), packed the baby's nursery bag and began my new routine of constant drop offs and pick ups. And I must admit, it feels much much longer. I'll admit at first I thought it was fantastic, I genuinely thought I'd cracked some sort of magical balance which meant I got enough 'me' time mixed in with plenty of 'mum'ing. However I now think that it was just the novelty of a change in routine after 12 months of somewhat isolation with only an adorable baby for company.

As days turned to weeks, the emotional reality of my decisions around working and parenting came to light. By 6pm on weekdays I felt physically sick by not being in her presence for so long. I'd text her grandma for updates and pictures and then be pushed to the brink of tears when I received them.

Being a working mother, feels like the ultimate dilemma, a real damned if you do, dammed if you don't. In our household, I'm the bread winner. That particular responsibility has fallen upon my shoulders and although I love my career, I'm acutely aware that I am sacrificing time and memories with my daughter to continue it. And on the other hand, the kid needs food, clothes and a house. That job pays for those. I'm securing her future by sacrificing time today. That sounds quite dramatic but it's  how it feels some days. Like a lot of modern families, we need to have two incomes. We have a really lovely home and I would feel even more guilt reducing our income because of my wants.

The lack of control is also difficult to hand over to other people to care for her. I spent a whole year being her primary carer, I knew everything from what her current favourite snack is to when she last had a poop. Now I feel like a bystander sometimes, a passive participant rather than the main event. Eva recently learnt how to say 'duck' and I felt genuinely upset because I wasn't the one to teach it to her. It all feels quite small when it's written down but the emotional guilt has been overwhelming at times. We've had two illnesses in those three months and watching my baby be so unwell whilst having to leave her at home with her dad or grandma was particularly difficult.

However there are positives to the situation. Eva has developed and grown so much in the past three months. Her personality is shining through every day and she is learning lots at nursery. The social side of nursery is particularly good for her as she doesn't have much other contact with kids. And being back at work is good for me. I feel challenged everyday, I feel like I have a renewed sense of purpose in my life. My brain feels full of ideas and I feel motivated to develop my skills and qualifications once again.

The best bit however is how wonderful it is to spend time with Eva on the weekends. We make an effort to get ourselves out of the house and explore new places. The time may be reduced but the quality is just wonderful. I relish having the whole day with her and living in the moment and not worrying so much about little things which have caused me to stress out in the past. It's easy to compare your situation to others, everyone's looks a little bit better than yours sometimes. Whether your a full time mum, full time employee or a mix of the both we are all just muddling our way through, trying to find our way.

Eva's 15 Month Update

Eva turns 15 months old today! We are out of the baby days and full steam ahead for toddlerhood. She is constantly on the go, into everything that she can get her hands on and is a contender for world’s fastest crawler. It’s such an exciting time and so far it’s been my favourite stage. I’m feeling a little bit sad that she’s becoming more independent every day but it’s making me so proud to see her grow and learn.

How to stay-cation with a baby and have a good time

Being a first time mum, I was desperate scenery after about three months. I was exclusively breastfeeding and hadn’t yet felt confident with public feeding. This meant that I spent quite a lot of time within the confines of my living rooms four walls. We were also going through a huge transition in our life. Eva had overtaken every area of our home, our lives and our thoughts. It was time for us to spend some time together as a family and with a little break away from the house.

I initially was obsessed with the idea of getting away for some winter sun in October but honestly I just grew more and more nervous with the idea of it. Everyone knows that babies are small but their entourage of personal possessions is ridiculous. I didn't fancy trying to cart a breast pump, sleepy head, pram, car seat through airport security or pay £100 just for the basic right to take it all. So I started to look closer to home! Also I love exploring new places in the UK since we got our car. 

A stay-cation is a brilliant idea for new parents. You get to bring all your essentials with you, packed in the car, whilst going to a cottage or rental which has all the rest. There is no dusting, hoovering or washing to be done. There is just time to spend with your new family unit getting to make memories, relax and get used to your new dynamic. Here are my top tips for having the perfect stay-cation. 

What I’ve learnt in my first two weeks back at work

There were so many worries I had whilst I lay in bed on Sunday night. What if I forgotten how to do my job? What if people had forgotten me? What if Eva didn’t take to her new routine? How will I manage the constant juggling between drop offs, pickups and actually doing my job and trying to excel in it? The last month has felt like a countdown to the inevitable so I’ll be honest, I was looking forward to getting it over with. It all felt very real when I packed up my laptop, grabbed my phone and took my little pre made lunch into what once was a changing bag. And you know what, I got through it! Leaving Eva was hard but I knew she was being cared for by the very best people. Here are some things I’ve learnt this week.

Diary of a woman who hasn't slept in a year : Pick up put down method

This post is for the exhausted and tired parents who are co-sleeping and have realised that they haven’t slept for more than an hour every single night. I’ve documented on Instagram our trials and tribulations with trying to get Eva into her own bed, after several months of co-sleeping. A few of you have messaged me to ask how we are approaching it and how it’s going. DISCLAIMER I’m by not an expert, this post is just an accumulation of trial and error coupled with some serious determination.

Let me start by saying that co-sleeping is wonderful, rewarding and when done safely has worked really well for us in the past to make sure we all slept. However we’ve found that as Eva has gotten much bigger that she ends up vertical in bed, kicking Luke in the ribs and punching me in the face. And quite frankly with me returning to full time work, I need some sleep! Another big issue for us was that we weren’t able to relax downstairs while she was on the bed for fear she would roll off and hurt herself. So we made the decision that Eva needed to get reacquainted with her own bed!

As Eva has gotten much more mobile and let’s just say ‘rambunctious’ we found that she was struggling to get comfy and ending up kicking and waking herself and us up frequently. After one sleep deprived night I made the decision that it wasn’t beneficial to any of us to continue. I began researching sleep training methods, trailing through mums net and sleep websites to find an approach that I felt comfortable with. I’ve never been into the ‘controlled crying’ method so I knew instantly that was out for me. After discussing it with Luke, we wanted a much more gentler approach because I knew that we both would not be able to handle letting her cry and not intervening. It’s definitely a difficult decision and it’s so tricky knowing what to try as all of these methods take time as there is no instant fix.

 I would recommend doing research and using forums to see people’s experiences. However try not to get too caught up in it as all babies are different and they respond accordingly. It’s a long process and we are still muddling our way forward but we have gone from refusal to even be in her cot, to settling and sleeping until 2am each night without wake up.

What is the pick-up/put down method?

I came across the pickup / put down method on Net Mums whilst reading an article on sleep training techniques. The technique was coined by Tracy Hogg who was hailed as the ‘Baby Whisperer’ as she has claimed that understanding the language of babies will lead to being able to calm the most distressed infant. The central theme to her method is about working ‘what kind of baby’ you have and adapting a parenting plan which works in harmony for them. Tracy’s mantra is to teach parents how to ‘calm, connect and communicate with your baby’. For me this was exactly the gentle approach I wanted to imbed into our bedtime routine. I didn’t want bedtime to become a source of angst for the whole household, instead creating a calm event for Eva.

The PUPD method is as simple as it sounds. When baby is crying, you pick her up, soothe and cuddle her until she is sleepy and then you put her back in the cot. A key phrase is used consistently to create a calm communication between you and baby. The phrase we use is ‘Sleepy time baby’ which you say as you soothe them with your hand on their tummy or back. This method is time consuming and definitely doesn’t work immediately. It requires a bit of time and patience but that’s to be expected as Eva was completely bewildered the first night!

How we prepared for the PUPD method

We used this guide as a template and adapted it slightly

Create consistency around meal and bed times : We have breakfast at 8am, lunch at 12pm and dinner at 4pm. Bedtime is 7pm, although depending on whether she has napped in the afternoon she may be ready for bed by 6.30pm. Also use the method for naps too which will help with the bedtimes!

Have a calm bed routine : Our bedtime routine is the same every night which has meant Eva has begun to associate certain ques with time to wind down. We tune into In the night garden at 6.20pm, then its story time and cuddles for 10 minutes and then she’s put into her cot with a bottle of warm milk and her dummy

Don’t let her fall asleep on you, put her into the cot whilst she’s sleepy but still awake

Manage your expectations : This is a transition for both of you, it can take a few weeks for you both to adapt to it. I’d also recommend not starting whilst in the middle of other changes such as starting childcare or teething. We started Eva off in the cot in our room and then have moved it into her own room.

How to do the PUPD method

This is the official guide that we used and I’ve linked from Net Mums here:

1.       If your baby cries when you first put her down, put your hand on her chest gently and reassure her with a 'Shhhh' or key phrase you always use like ‘It's sleepy time'.

2.        If that doesn't soothe her, pick her up and repeat the key phrase.

3.       When she stops crying, but is still awake, put her back down in her cot. If she starts crying on the way down, put her in anyway.

4.       If she is still crying, pick her up again. Repeat this process until you can see signs that your baby is settling (for example, her cries are getting weaker).

5.       When you see this settling behaviour, don’t pick her up anymore. Leave her in her cot, place your hand on her and say your phrase.

6.       Leave the room.

7.       If your baby starts crying again, repeat the process as many times as needed until she's asleep.

How we got on

I went into this with low expectations as Eva wouldn’t even sit in her cot without crying. However the key phrase and rubbing her tummy really helped to create a calm environment which she sensed. The fact that she was comforted when she did get very upset meant that both Luke and I were able to keep calm and continue with the method. We actually managed to get her to sleep on the first night within 30 minutes which I thought was amazing! 

Since then we’ve had some nights which she hasn’t gone to sleep for over an hour however factors such as teething and a heatwave were definitely contributing. Eva now will go to sleep on a normal night within about 5 minutes of using the method. We are still working towards getting her to self settle back to sleep if she does wake but for now its made a massive difference to our lives. Being able to go downstairs and actually have an evening as a couple has being amazing! I'll keep you up to date on our next stage of the process but thank you for reading and let me know if you have any questions!  

Next Nursery Haul

New life event, new wardrobe..right? I'm known for finding any excuse to buy adorable baby clothes. However starting nursery made me realise that often my purchases aren't always practical. After Eva's settle sessions where she did yoga, dance and went for a good crawl in the garden, I've had to have a rethink about what clothes she will be wearing. When Eva was super little I found leggings and body suits to be the most practical to keep her cosy and to change her. And so I thought I'd bring back the casual comfort for her nursery days where she's going to be very active.

Why I'm the one excited for nursery

The day has come. We've been preparing for this since February..or maybe sooner when Eva was still in the womb! I always knew that Eva would be going to some form of external childcare. However no matter how much you prepare, it's still a massive change in the dynamic of our family and specifically in Eva and my relationship. And although I'm extremely anxious, I am really excited for Eva to begin this next chapter.

How to road trip with a baby and not lose your mind

We recently traveled to Devon for a short break for my birthday. I was initially very daunted at the prospect of spending 4.5 hours in the back of a car with a cranky teething baby and so I looked closer to home for a trip. However we have always wanted to visit the West country and we found the most amazing secluded cottage so on a spur of the moment we booked it! I spent so much time researching how to ensure that it wasn't the journey from hell and so I thought it might be helpful to share what worked for us. We ended up having a fantastic time away and it has made me want to plan a trip back again immediately!

1. Download their favourite tv programmes. BBC iPlayer is amazing and you can download Teletubbies and in the night garden. However make sure you have a way to set up so the baby can see it as I hadn’t thought that far ahead and had to hold it upright for two hours straight 

2.Use a Thermos to put in the baby’s milk so it’s nice and warm and ready to pour into bottles. I did the same for her purée which worked really well. It meant that we didn’t have to stop to try and get it heated up 

3.Plan your route before hand. We had pre arranged pit stops for toilet breaks, nappy changes and maybe a sneaky McDonald’s. I was very mindful of the two hour rule, that babies shouldn't be in car seats for more than that. So when we stopped we made sure it was for 45 minutes to make sure she had a good break

4.We timed Eva’s nap with the beginning of our journey so she would sleep through quite a bit of it. Babies seem to sleep for so much longer in the car than at home! 

5.Use sun shades to keep the light off baby and this also helps to keep them asleep for longer

6.I bought a few new toys and introduced them throughout the journey to keep her stimulated as sitting down for so long is Eva’s idea of hell usually

7.Bring plenty of snacks. We bought a cool box and brought veggies and yogurt to keep her interest and also snacks are everything on a road trip 

8. Finally we stopped for a nappy change and we changed her into her pjs so that once we arrived we could just read her the bed time story and pop her into bed. 

Eva managed to sleep for about two hours of the whole journey both ways which was fantastic and meant that I got to eat my cookies and read a whole book! I'm going to do a blog post about the air bnb and places we visited. Do you have any great recommendations for Devon and Cornwall? I'm so keen to go back soon!

What I'm listening to..

Since having a small needy infant who is rather demanding of my time, I've found it difficult to keep up to speed on my general knowledge and current affairs. Reading time has been put on the back burner and even though Eva now retires to bed at an early 7 pm, I've become obsessed with watching Gordon Ramsay's Hotel Nightmares while I shovel my chicken & veg in. (I haven't eaten a meal at a reasonable speed in 8 months. Dinner time in my house goes 'Ok, she's down . SERVE. EAT EAT EAT' Always the fear she will wake up as I eat the first forkful.)


So podcasts have been my salvation so I can hold an actual adult conversation with anyone and everyone who will give me the time of day. I pop Eva in the buggy with a brightly coloured 'Baby Einstein' toy and stick the headphones on to while away an hour or so with some podcasts for company. These are the podcasts that have been getting me through my spring walks around Brighton.

Our Baby Led Weaning Journey

Eva is fast approaching the 9 month mark, (agh how! It’s gone so quick!) and for the past three months it’s been all about getting to grips with food. I was really excited to start her food journey as I’d had such a difficult time with breastfeeding and then getting her on to a bottle. 

We started off the purée route but after a lot of spitting out and more times washing the food processor I decided to research baby led weaning. I know everyone swears by different things for their baby but I’ve found making everything home made to be the easiest way and also I know there’s no hidden sugars or salt. So this post may not be to everyone’s taste but I thought I’d write it up anyway!

Baby Girl Spring Edit

The snow has melted, the temperature is rising and the clocks go forward. It must be Spring now, right? Well it is quite cold and rainy in Brighton today which has got me dreaming of sunnier climates now. And that can only mean one thing, baby's spring wardrobe. Eva was a summer baby so lived in little bodysuits during the first few months so I'm really looking forward to putting her in more dresses, tops and shorts this year. I've shared below my favourite items with a mix of prices to suit all budgets. Even those statutory maternity pay ones!

7 ways to cut costs on Maternity Leave

Taking time off to have your baby can be a real financial struggle. Having a baby who needs food, clothes and fun can be expensive and a real hit on the bank account. I’m into month three of the statutory maternity pay now, boo hoo. During my pregnancy I was able to budget and save so I could pay for stuff like mortgage and food, you know important stuff. But now I have very little disposable income. So I’ve been super thrifty and wanted to share some ways I’ve been cutting costs to make my money go further during maternity leave. Apart from making a strict budget each week I’ve implemented these measures to make sure financial worry and stress is reduced.

Shopping for the 6-9 months

It would appear that since having a tiny infant that my shopping habit has switched from stuff for myself, to things for Eva. As I write this I am wearing an £8 hoodie from Primark and a pair of maternity leggings. (Leave me alone, they are comfy and I've been cleaning)  I've had some lovely comments about clothes Eva has been wearing on my Instagram so I thought I'd share some recent stuff I got her. I always shop ahead so at the moment I'm on the hunt for summery things for 6-9 months. Eva is 8 months old but she is still dinky so we are always a size behind!
I'm a big believer in versatile baby clothes that can be mixed and matched. Strangely I have to dress her in 'proper' clothes everyday and have done since she was about three weeks old. If only to make myself feel like I have achieved something, that or I bloody love doing washing. (Which secretly I do, but HATE ironing. I actually don't iron anything) I like going to different high street shops as I find that the sizes are all pretty comparable. Apart from tights. No one seems to understand the size for baby tights. Looking at you H&M, she will wear them when she is 7.
So these are what I bought from Zara recently. I've never bought from Zara before as every time I've gone in store they never have anything in Eva's size and some of the items are wildly expensive. Like £24.99 for a jumper? I think not. But I had a browse and found some amazing bits which actually where pretty reasonable price wise. So I've shared below! Where are your favourite shops for little ones?

Getting out and over the fear

Last week I wrote an honest Instagram post about how I’ve been bricking it every time I venture past the front door with the baby. The past four months I’ve been learning how to look after a baby and discovering what kind of mother I want to be. With that has come amazing highs as well as the inevitable lows. A major challenge for me is has been how I am perceived by people in public about my mothering skills. It has ruled my day and often ended up in Eva and I staying indoors where it’s safe, rather than getting outside and mingling with the public because she may have a meltdown and I can’t calm her, resulting in me feeling the ‘warm wash of embarrassment’ sweep over me due to my inept parenting.

What the books don't prepare you for..

 

Becoming a mum is overwhelming. I don’t think there is a woman who would deny that and so we read all the maternity and first time parenting books to prepare for it. However there were certain things I just didn’t expect during the first few weeks of baby Eva’s life.

The birth of Eva Rose Caldwell

During pregnancy the whole 9 months was focused on the big event. All the midwife appointments, chats with friends and reading material were all about the labour. And in all honestly it never scared me. Women have been doing this since the beginning of time, we got this. I’m a big believer in that knowledge is power so I became a one woman pregnancy information machine. The things I found out just made me even more in awe of what our bodies can achieve. I loved reading birth stories and so I wanted to share mine.

The Woman, the Myths, the Pregnancy.

When I found out about my pregnancy I was already 5 weeks gone. Not that I knew at the time. Midwives kept asking about last periods and in the fog of the shock I couldn’t really remember. I had none of the usual ‘signs’ that I furiously read on the NHS website other than awaiting a period which it turns out, was never coming. I even dodged the morning sickness bullet. Don’t get me wrong for the next 7 weeks I had a constant anxious sickness in the pit of my stomach whilst I evaluated how un-baby-friendly my life was and how to remedy this in 6 months. (Goodbye one bedroom river view flat, Hello huge mortgage house for starters.) And whilst I fortunately dodged some of the more serious and tough complications in pregnancy I basically spent the next 6 months complaining about the lesser known side effects.

Acid reflux
When I got pregnant I had been on such a health kick, I had lost a stone and was even weighing out the rice before I ate it to work out the macros. (I can’t explain it; it was a weird time ok?) So I was delighted to have the BEST excuse to eat whatever I wanted. This was my time; it was what I’d trained to do. I’ve eaten an entire Victoria Sponge before so this was going to be no problem to me. However by week 13 my entire day became all about how many Rennie tablets I could shove into my face whilst sticking to the recommended daily amount. The reflux was horrific. I once drank a smoothie, trying to be healthy and got it so viciously I couldn’t eat for the rest of the day. Pregnancy was supposed to be my food heaven at a time where gin and I were on a sabbatical. Instead I became afraid to eat as it brought it on so badly. I tried all the remedies, drinking milk, cutting out tomatoes. Nothing helped. Basically my stomach had been shoved and squished about a foot higher than it should be and until I got that baby out of there it was a plight to deal with.

Thrush
I’ve lived a charmed life. I never had thrush until pregnancy. However the viciousness and frequency has more than made up for this. It all started with anti-biotics prescribed because of a UTI that I had no idea about. Then the thrush came. I had no idea about any of this but thrush is a side effect of taking them as they wipe out all your bacteria, both good and bad. Until you are furiously dashing around Reykjavik trying to find the Icelandic version of Canesten duo you really haven’t lived. Can’t use the pessary until you talk to your doctor, bloody cream doesn’t work on its own. After a week of hell, live yoghurt and ice packs I finally cracked, used the pessary and felt immediately better. However I got thrush a further 5 times over the next 6 months which drove me insane and probably cost me about £60. Fantastic. The midwife said ‘Ah yes, just one of those things in pregnancy’. I felt like this was the answer to basically any medical issue.

Glow
The elusive pregnancy glow. I got excited for this one. As a 25 year old who still has spot breakouts on the regs, I thought this was going to be my time to rock that natural look. No heavy duty Estee Lauder double wear foundation required, I’m going to use BB cream. The only glow I got was a nice sweat on during the June heatwave. And I needed twice the amount of foundation to cover the red sweaty mess that was my face. The glow is an absolute myth.
So that’s some of my pregnancy gripes. It feels quite cathartic to have written it down now. Maybe I can move on..but I will forever be haunted when I see Rennie’s or Canesten. What side effects did you have in pregnancy? I’d love to hear them and compare notes.
Love,
Rachel & Baby Eva