Getting out and over the fear

Last week I wrote an honest Instagram post about how I’ve been bricking it every time I venture past the front door with the baby. The past four months I’ve been learning how to look after a baby and discovering what kind of mother I want to be. With that has come amazing highs as well as the inevitable lows. A major challenge for me is has been how I am perceived by people in public about my mothering skills. It has ruled my day and often ended up in Eva and I staying indoors where it’s safe, rather than getting outside and mingling with the public because she may have a meltdown and I can’t calm her, resulting in me feeling the ‘warm wash of embarrassment’ sweep over me due to my inept parenting.

Anyone who knows me knows, I like who I like and I stick with those people. I love being social but only with people that I click with. And as a true character flaw, I can be quick to dismiss people if I don’t have that initial bond. This bond for me usually comes in the form of laughter and fondness for a few pints. However mum and baby groups aren’t a laugh a minute and sadly but probably for the best no one is cracking out the gin at 10am during baby rhyme time.
I’ve pushed myself way outside my comfort zone since becoming a mum, after all it wasn’t something that was part of my plan so it has been a big adjustment. And here is my confession; I don’t particularly like babies/children. I know, that’s pretty brutal to say but it is true. I’m an only child with only older cousins for reference and I’m the first of my friends to have a baby. So the idea of spending hours a week with women who adore children and love to sing ‘Twinkle twinkle little stars’ with accompanying sign language just felt too much for me.
However, having a baby makes you evaluate your mind set. It’s no longer about me feeling uncomfortable about interacting with women I think I have nothing in common with, it’s about my kid mingling and learning with other children. Doing what is best for her, not what is easier for me. So every damn day we go outside, we go to coffee shops and the park, to baby groups and I've actually met some lovely and supportive women. Eva will get upset and I won’t always be able to comfort her right away but I’m trying to let go of the feeling of judgement one meltdown at a time.
Rachel xo