What I’ve learnt in my first two weeks back at work

There were so many worries I had whilst I lay in bed on Sunday night. What if I forgotten how to do my job? What if people had forgotten me? What if Eva didn’t take to her new routine? How will I manage the constant juggling between drop offs, pickups and actually doing my job and trying to excel in it? The last month has felt like a countdown to the inevitable so I’ll be honest, I was looking forward to getting it over with. It all felt very real when I packed up my laptop, grabbed my phone and took my little pre made lunch into what once was a changing bag. And you know what, I got through it! Leaving Eva was hard but I knew she was being cared for by the very best people. Here are some things I’ve learnt this week.

You can plan all you want; life is going to throw shit your way

I made it approximately 5 hours into my new working life before my parade got rained on. Luke’s boss called me saying he was having severe pain and was almost passing out. I absolutely panicked. I felt like things were happening in slow motion. I genuinely thought he was having a heart attack, but alas no he was having kidney stones. I left and met him at A&E where he has thankfully had some pain relief but he looked horrific. Six hours later..we finally got home. I had to arrange Luke’s mum to pick Eva up from nursery and we decided it best for her to stay the night there. Didn’t even make it one day before plans had to be shifted!

It’s ok to ask for support

I had convinced myself that I’d forgotten basically what I did for work! It’s definitely been a learning curve trying to get up to speed with all that’s changed. My colleagues have been so supportive welcoming me back and spending time answering my many many questions. Before I went on mat leave I was so determined to always appear confident and never want to ask for support. However this is definitely something I’ve worked on since having Eva. Sometimes you’ve just got to ask for help and that’s ok, it’s not a weakness at all.

You will feel guilty leaving them all day

This one is a given but I was surprised how hard its hit me. I tried my best to prepare for those feelings of guilt and missing out but it's been really hard going from being with Eva every day to basically an hour in the evening if I'm lucky. I've found it especially hard receiving pictures and videos of her having fun whilst I lament on all the hours I'm missing out on. I'm trying to remember why I'm doing this and actually I have found that I'm a lot more patient with her than I was before. I definitely know that this was the right decision for me personally but I'm still coming to terms with the emotion of it all.

You reclaimed a little piece of you again 

Once we become mum's everything becomes about your baby. And that's the way it should be. I've supported, fed, wiped, cleaned, shopped, cooked, played, tidied, organised for a whole year of maternity leave. All for Eva. Some weeks I wouldn't remember the last time I washed my hair. I felt that I was missing my core identity, I wanted to be myself, Rachel just for an hour. And that sounds incredibly selfish written down in black and white. But why shouldn't we be selfish now and again? Going back to work has made me feel in control and powerful. I'm still using skills I use as a mum, problem solving, influencing, organisation, prioritising. I feel important and useful. I feel stretched and out of my depth sometimes, all of which I feel being a mum. But it's for me. It's about me. The old me and that feels pretty good.