Thoughts you have with a newborn

Ah the baby is here! We’ve been waiting for you
She will scare you with her tininess and you’ll wonder how she fitted in your tummy 
Speculation will immediately begin about who she looks like. Spoiler, she doesn’t look like either of you. She’s just a puffy newborn at this stage
A physiotherapist will come and talk to you about your vagina. And give you exercises to do, IVE JUST HAD A BABY LEAVE ME ALONE. 
However they are important so do them
You may get the three day blues. I cried once and then I just got intensely angry because we had to stay in hospital for three days and I just wanted my bed and a shower
Leaving the hospital is very daunting and equally happy. That journey home will be when you notice DANGER lurking around every corner
The car seat will be a bastard to get in no matter how many times you practiced
It will be very surreal to get into your house with this tiny bundle 

You will immediately want to go to sleep in your own bed. But then you immediately remember tiny infant needs feeding
Breastfeeding will be painful, constant and you will be in awe that your boobs are keeping this baby alive
You will be convinced she isn’t getting enough milk and so become obsessed with timing feeds
Your boobs will be sore and you will think about shoving a bottle into her
It’s totally fine if you do
It’s all about the latch and positioning  which is tricky to master but breastfeeding pillows are a god send

Google history will be made up of the following phrase “newborn baby...”
You are now on a constant rotation of Nappy, Food, Sleep. It’s like a two hour loop
Anytime she cries you will stick a boob in her face. Usually calms things down. 
The black poop comes, it’s not that bad
Congratulations though, you will now become a poop expert
You will analyse the colour and consistency of every poop from now until..I don’t know when I’m still in this hell
Nappies are fiddly as fuck and you will change it every-time that line goes blue
You will try and palm nappy changes off on your partner. Using the “bit sore when I bend down” excuse, works a charm

Dressing the tiny infant feels like a very very risky game of operation
The grow egg will be consulted before every dressing. And then the chart of clothes produced and baby dressed accordingly 
What did we do before we knew about grow eggs? How did baby’s get dressed?
Belly button cords are terrifying when doing nappies. You may keep it when it falls off...
First bath is like a heart attack with bubbles

Swaddling is not easy.
Give the baby a dummy to give your boobs a rest for 20 minutes
Feeding is boring so you will watch full box sets of shows
When baby eats, you eat. Crumbs will fall on them, they don’t seem to mind. Also you will eat everything. 
You will receive gifts off random people
If you are Irish these gifts fall into two categories; food and knitwear
Eva got a cardigan from her great granny’s best friends daughter 
All those play mats and toys you bought pre birth and set up won’t be of any interest until about month 3

You might feel distant from your partner, or you may feel angry that’s ok 
You will probably feel very close and in love too because you’ve made the most precious gorgeous infant ever
Baby weigh ins are more serious than slimming world
The pressure to gain is real. And undressing and dressing baby in front of a medical professional is also bloody scary.
Percentiles don’t make any sense or actually have any relevance 
Everyday you will go through a myriad of emotions 
Talk about it. Don’t feel pressured to go out for lunch on day 5. I went out for cake but only because I really wanted cake
You’ll spend time you should be sleeping just watching her sleep
You will check she’s breathing at least 20 times a night 
She may not want to sleep in any of the fancy sleeping devices you bought and instead prefers arms. This is cute but you will be terrified you’ll fall asleep with her

Feeling like you’re never going to sleep again is normal. You will, she’s adjusting to being in the world
Feeling like you’re not ready for this is normal. Your confidence will blossom.
Feeling like nothing will ever be the same again is normal. You’re right it won’t, it’ll be better
Feeling like you’ve found the love of your life in this little baby is everything