Eva turned eight months old last week. It felt like a momentous occasion because I found out I was pregnant when I was 1 month gone, so I always joked it was great as I only had an eight month pregnancy. That moment realising that she would soon be out in the world longer than she was in my tummy floored me a little bit. When you are the one staying at home each day looking after a tiny baby you take each day survived as a win. Anything to get through the day, hit that magic time when Luke gets home and you can hand her off and go for that much needed wee by yourself. It got me thinking about how far we have come in these 8 months. The newborn stage seems so far removed and like it never happened when you watch your baby sit unaided or lift an iPad with ease. I often look at day old pictures thinking 'Did that happen? It's all a fog'. Here are some observations that I've discovered along the way.
It's all a bit of a fog
The first week of Eva's life is such a blur I really struggle to remember. A lot of people talk about instant love and the best day of their life when they're offspring enters the world. In truth for me I was bloody knackered and glad that the labour bit was over that I hadn't really comprehended that now the real work started. In honesty, Eva scared me when I gave birth. I was so exhausted, (thanks 42 hour labour) and she made such a dramatic entry to the world that I thought it would be best if Luke just held her. Coming home was bizarre as I spent 4 days in hospital that I had forgotten there was bigger spaces than a 1m2 room off a busy ward. A trip to M&S the following day that I realised I really should just be in bed and not shopping for maternity bras as I walked aimlessly around for 20 minutes completely unaware that I should be buying said bras. Instead I was thinking about how normal everyone was acting, didn't they know I had just brought home a tiny baby who I was solely responsible for? Why wasn't anyone questioning this? It seemed utterly mad. Honestly if I didn't have the pictures of those first few days I would struggle to believe that they happened.
The weight of the world will fall on your shoulders
As soon as that kid is out and the placenta delivered, I felt my shoulders weigh down with worry, worry and some more worry. Every movement was closely monitored, discussed and thought about. Watching her breath while she slept like some sort of lunatic. I had to get rid of the moses basket as I was convinced she could rock it so violently it would fall. Only now do I realise she could barely hold her own head..but sleep deprivation and all consuming love will do that to you. This worry has ebbed and flowed throughout the 8 months. Some day I'm chilled out and letting her play with a packet of wet wipes while I tidy up, the next day I'm convinced she will figure out how to tie wipes together and it will wrap around her neck (? I don't know) I think this is one that will never ever go away.
It's ok to be that mother who's kid is losing their shit
We all said it pre-kids, 'I will not allow my child to have a crying fit in public, those poor people trying to eat their breakfasts'. Yeah what a smug bitch she was.. The biggest challenge for me has been feeling like a bit of a fraud. As I've written about previously I wasn't even sure I wanted kids to finding myself pregnant I had to speed up that 'motherhood joy'. This has left me feeling a bit inferior to those women who say they were 'born to be a mother'. This fear manifested most when we went out in public, what if Eva had a meltdown and I wasn't able to calm her down? Would people think that I was a crap mum? Were they right? Or were they arseholes if they thought that? I may be her mum but I have about as much control over Eva's emotions as I do for my own inability to stop at just one pringle. So now whenever I see a kid kicking off, I give the mum a smile and offer to let her go ahead of me at the till. Be kind to other mum's, we are in this shit together.
What you spend on your kid isn't a reflection of how good a parent you are
Whilst pregnant I did so much research on baby items and basically bought the entirety of the Mother & Baby gold awards. Did she need a £150 baby rocker swing? Yes she did. She needed the best and most expensive. Because that would give me legitimacy as a mum and by default I would be a good mum. Turns out, that's not how this whole thing works.. We are very fortunate that we were able to budget to buy the items we wanted for Eva but its not always the case. According to a survey you will spend £9k on the first year of a baby's life. There is so much pressure to provide the very best for your new bundle but that baby wouldn't know the difference between a £20 bouncer or a £100 one. What matters is your love, attention and presence. If you are stressed or worried about debt this could have an impact at a time when you should be enjoying your new family. I wrote a post about cutting costs which gives some tips on how you can have a bit more money in your pocket for important things like espressos and ice cream, read it here
You will probably want to do it all over again
No time soon, we're still basking in the glory of our routine and the fact that she is mostly sleeping through. You do forget the labour pains, the sleepless nights, the cracked nipples, the time she pooped so violently it reached her neck, the nightmare of getting her onto bottles and so on. But I'm definitely a baby convert.
It's been an amazing eight months with Eva Rose Caldwell. I have never fallen so hard in love, or been so terrified in my life and according to Luke 'you aren't as self involved as you were before'.. thanks mate.
What are the big things you've learnt since having a baby?
No comments
Post a Comment